Something I wrote as a Journal Entry....

My son's Heart

Since the time he was just tiny M has been different. There is no other explanation. There is no real way to explain it. My mother use to call him a child prodigy, my dad said he was a true genius. Everyone who meets him is amazed by his wealth of knowledge. He hasn't proven to be so gifted that he was reading and writing at 3. In fact I struggle daily with getting him to do just that. He is a perfectionist, which is a true curse. The child won't color, b/c he can't color perfectly in the lines. He didn't walk until he could stand up and glide across the room with ease. He didn't do anything he felt would be watched or judged until it was a perfected move. So it is with reading and writing that I find he doesn't want to practice, b/c he has to practice. Although, we fully expect him to just start reading one day....he read a sign the other day (pronounced it wrong, but still read it) out of nowhere in an unguarded moment.Now, I am off topic. My point in this post is to explain M's sweet little heart. He has ALWAYS wanted to know about Jesus and to read stories about Jesus. When he was 2 he told me he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart. So, he prayed with me and asked Jesus into his heart. I don't know if that counts or what that means...but how precious. M has been asking for a cross for years as well. So when my parents went to Israel (which M begged to go, too) they bought a cross made out of Olive wood for him. He LOVES his cross. He has been a bit rebellious the past year, testing limits and such. He would say things like I don't believe in Jesus. Just to get a reaction. Of course, he would also always ask the same old questions he always has and we'd have a little discussion about it. Well, today on the way to pick up from preschool he asked me, "Mommy if I died and I didn't believe in Jesus, would I not get to go to heaven." I said, with great reluctance,"I suppose that would be right." Then he said where would I go? Would I just not die and stay on Earth? We avoid the "hell" talk..b/c we believe M is too young and doesn't need to have fear invoked into his heart. Searching for an answer I said, "Well God gave us a gift when he gave us Jesus. Jesus came and lived and died for us. If we refuse God's gift as a payment for our sins then we can't go to be in heaven with him. We would be telling God we're too good for his gift and we don't need him. I know I need him and so we accept his gift and show him appreciation through the way we live." M, says "Did Jesus want to call angels to get him off the cross, but he didn't? Did his feet hurt?" I said, "yes he was hurt. He might have wanted to get off, but he knew he had to die for us." Then I said something else (which just came to my mind)..."M do you know who Jesus was thinking about when he was dying on the cross?" He said, "no." I said, "he was thinking about you and S and mommy and daddy and nanny and papa and Gigi and DeeDee and ALL the other people in the world and who have lived or ever will live." He got VERY quiet as he processed that.Matthew has a heart so seeking after God and so seeking for truth. It has caused me to question my beliefs ALOT! It sounds so far fetched of a story as you explain it in detail. It sounds bizarre and out there. I have a hard time grasping what I am saying. I have always just taken the Bible at its word. I have heard the stories and never questioned. Now as I try to explain it to my child I find myself grappling with the issues. Today something seemed to click for both of us. I realized it is truth I am speaking, not just what I have heard or been told. I hope he had the same realization.